Wednesday, November 7, 2007

All stories need titles.

After encountering what I like to call "the boring story" one too many times, a long night of drinking and listening to too much bullshit fostered the creation of the idea of using titles during conversations.

What do I mean? Well, think about it. Think about a time when someone told you the most boring story ever and at the end you want to ask if they could return the 5 to 15 minutes of your life they wasted telling you something ridiculous. For instance, after hearing a story about the sauce in a lasagna dinner for about 3 minutes when the simple question of "how is the lasagna?" occurred, I thought that a simple "yes" would have sufficed and then I could have use that extra two minutes and 58 seconds of my life to do something more productive such as eat another piece of bread or sit in silence enjoying the scenery. I felt dumber after hearing the answer to the lasagna question and disappointed that I even wasted my time listening. In this case Mr. "I con you into buying crabcakes instead of the cheaper tomato pizza" Waiter could have stated that the title of his story was, "Overly elongated response to simple question—a short novel on why I like the lasagna," and I would have got my answer, passed on the storytelling and continued my life as a smarter person.

Using titles for stories allows the listener to actually listen when an appropriate story is being told. From a listening standpoint, sometimes I would rather poke my ears with over-sized drumsticks and listen to elevator music than hear another word of the boring story that has no point and will only result in the loss of brain cells by the time the story commences. Seriously, give me a title and I will give you an answer. I will try to use my passes sparingly and hopefully not have to do so more than three times a conversation. If you go over the three story pass limit you have to a) find a new friend, b) become more interesting, or c) make up something funny in an effort to both entertain me and save our friendship. I do not think this is too much to ask.

For those of you who do not get this or do not understand where I am coming from, you are probably the ones who tell the boring stories and drive me insane. If you find yourself in the position that you are telling a story and you begin to realize no one is listening or everyone seems uninterested, please stop the story and apologize. Something such as “you guys aren’t even listening to me,” or “I don’t know where I was going with this,” are the perfect bail-out phrases that will make you the savior of the day (or at least for those few minutes). Do not just keep storytelling because you want to get to an eventual point (fast forward and get to it then) or feel bad stopping (trust me, we will be okay). Also, if you start to become bored with your own story, please note that everyone else feels the same times 20.

Moral of the story: Title your stories, not just for your sake, but for the sake of those listening…or not listening.

No comments: